Posts tagged Sex
The Fourth Judge Doesn’t Feel Sorry for Vin Baker
A few weeks ago I read a story about Vin Baker, notorious NBA drunkard — not that I’m judging — reportedly losing $86 million in bad investments.
On the one hand I feel bad for the guy. $86 million is a lot of loot to flush down the toilet. But on the other hand, the hand that knows its ass from its elbow, what the fuck was he doing investing $86 million? You invest money so you can GET $86 million. Once you have $86 million you stop what you’re doing and you buy a bunch of coke and an island and a whole mess of shallots (they make everything more delicious). If there’s enough money left over you send your kids to Rutgers.
The Fourth Judge is Wary of Pervertmobiles
Most vans and trucks have some sort of logo on the side letting you know what businesses they represent. In New York City you see a lot of vans and trucks that forgo this tradition in favor of shoddily applied lettering, and they all use the same cheap letter stickers to do the job. Adding to the bootleggedness, the van owners never line up the letters correctly and the words wind up rising and falling at random. The end result is something very much akin to a ransom note.
Adding to the sketch factor, these vans and trucks never list a business name. It’s always just a street address, as if that holds any meaning for anyone. ”Oh, there goes a truck for 249 Avenue R, Brooklyn, NY 11215. I hear they install great custom awnings.”
I can only assume these vehicles are owned and operated exclusively by rapists, serial killers, and serial rapists. I don’t know why they’d put their own addresses on their vans, but I have a few theories.
The Fourth Judge Is Impatient
I completely freak out when I have to wait more than three seconds for an elevator, and if I’m at work, all bets are off. Panic attack city.
First you have the terrifying prospect of Coworker Nuclear Winter. Every second you stand there is another second Creepy Chris can walk out the door and completely fuck your shit up. Ever get stuck walking a block and half to the subway with a coworker? Total agony. I’d rather stick my cat’s dick in a Cuisinart and drink the results.
The Fourth Judge: Trying On Pants With Stink Ass
My ass always stinks on the day I buy a new pair of pants, and it’s always the sneaky kind of ass stink. The kind you don’t realize you have until you take off your pants in a changing room and are suddenly confronted with olfactory proof that you can’t take a shit like a normal human being.
I’m always scared that my ass stink is going to make its way out of the changing room, which, let’s face it, is little more than a glorified bathroom stall. If my nose can process the stench and it’s only a couple of feet away from my anus, why can’t the cute salesgirl standing on the other side of the door smell it too?
The Fourth Judge: Jerking Damage, Dirty Talk, and Ancient Rome
When you permanently damage your hearing by, let’s say, passing out drunk on the F train with your iPod set to maximum volume, your ears ring. The frequency at which your ears ring is a frequency you will never hear again. It’s that particular frequency’s swan song. I think most people know this Snapple fact by now. It’s not that interesting.
The Fourth Judge
I love it when someone uses the stall I just took a shit in. It never doesn’t make me laugh, and really, why shouldn’t it? A stranger now has to squeeze poop out of his butt hole knowing full well that another stranger was just in there doing the exact same horrifyingly disgusting thing. Abstractly we all know that other people shit in the toilets we use, but in this situation the poor guy has to literally feel the heat generated by my revolting, hairy buttocks. I know the heat is quietly horrifying him, but he can’t do anything about it. He’s stuck there and I’ve won the game of life for the next few minutes.
We don’t spend much time thinking about public bathrooms because they tend to be unpleasant places that cause unpleasant experiences, but the stuff that goes on in there, both legal and not, is endlessly fascinating to me. I’d watch a 7-season TV series that takes place exclusively in public bathrooms. It could be reality or scripted. Doesn’t matter. I’d download the hell out of it after the first three seasons were finished then watch it on a weekly basis for the rest of its run.
