The Ultimate Fighter: Chael P. Sonnen Edition

by Dr. Octagon, J.D.

I haven’t watched this shit in a while because it’s been incredibly boring, but I like to watch Chael talk shit. My wife just asked me who the coaches were, and when I told her she said, “damn, Chael is going to get his ass kicked.” For those of you emailing me to ask why I cut out halfway through UFC on FX recently, the answer is that my shitty Hewlett Packard laptop now overheats at room terperature.  I have to run it on a block of ice now. 

Dana starts off by recounting how Jon Jones refused to fight Chael.  Jon Jones looks like he got bigger after his last fight.  Maybe it’s just because Chael is undersized.

Winning fighter and winning coach get custom Harleys.  The ones they have onset look corny as fuck.  Like whoever customized it said, “I want it to have a lot of chrome, but look like it is for an old person.”

Jake Heun is a Chris Leben protege, looks really ripped, and his nickname is the honey bear.  Adam Cella was a fat guy, who just started training recently.  His moobs are jigglier than mine are. 

Heun comes out firing lands a nice head kick.  Cella lands a nice knee and gets put on his ass.  Looks horrified.  Cella goes for an armbar and Heun and picks Cella up and slams him really hard, but Cella somehow holds on and taps him out.  Good fight to start the night for the former fatty. 

Zak Cummings has fucked up ears.  Nik Fekete also has fucked up ears.  They both also spell their names oddly.  These guys all look sickly the way they’re shooting them in these intro segments.  Most of these bros have pretty nice looking girlfriends for unsuccessful cage fighters.   

Fekete walked straight into a right hand to start the fight.  Zak finished it.  Fastest KO in TUF history I think.  Hopefully they’ll just have a montage of the other fights.

Eldon Sproat is a hawaiian cowboy.  He wears a cowboy hat.  Kevin Casey has anger issued that martial arts helped to balance out.  He’s bros with the Gracies.  both fighters are in good shape.  Casey looks way bigger though.  Montage time, sponsored by NOS.  Looks like Kevin bled all over Eldon and outgrappled him before sinking in a rear nake choke.  Gracie bro is dope at grappling.

Scott Rosa trains in a garage and says he has natural talent, but looks pretty slender.  Dana just said he knocked out Scott Irvin.  Tor Troeng is a Swedish mathematician. Tor dominated and won by a choke.  

Clint Hester wants to show the world who Clint Hester is.  Fraser Opie is from England.  Has a bunch of sweet tattoos and a really cool haircut.  Both these guys have cool haircuts actually.  Clint Hester beat the shit out of Opie and won a decision. 

Ryan Bigler is a Guamanian and is fighting to free Guam from its imperial oppressors.  He’s fighting Bubba McDaniel who is already crying, like in the intro part in his hotel room.  Hopefully he can use his fragile emotions to his advantage in the Octagon.  Jon trains with Bubba and says that he sometimes doesn’t show up to fight.  Most of the bros from Jackson’s camp are pretty well-prepared though and Bubba is ripped as fuck and the Guamanian looks soft. Chael is talking shit on Bubba cuz he’s just pushing the Guamanian against the cage.  Bubba gets a takedown in the second round.  Bubba landed some nice punches and Bigler gave up his back and stopped fighting.  Chael keeps telling Jon he’s going to pick Bubba first and that it would be awkward if he didn’t pick him first because they’re teammates.  Bubba has an unhealthy fascination with his sister. 

Josh Samman is on his fourth time trying out for the ultimate fighter.  Leo Bercier is Native American and has a nice scar on his head.  There is a potpourri of ethnicities in this TUF.  Bercier is looking flabby.  I don’t know why these guys think they can win this show coming in fat. Samman shoots, gets the takedown and works the ground and pound.  Samman gets a full mount and Bercier gives up his back.  Samman is a big fan of the double punch to the sides of the head, like he is trying to crush a coconut.  This fight is over.  Dana says that the shots that he was throwing were goofy.  Jon Jones told him to punch with one hand. 

Kito Andrews is a single father just got his kids in a custody battle and is 34.  Kelvin Gastelum is a no-nonsense Bible bro and is 21.  Kito looked like he won the first round, but Kelvin won the second round with better conditioning.  Kelvin won the decision

Jimmy Quinlan vs. Mike Stockton- No backstory here.  Jimmy is a skilled wrestler.  Had a nice slam and looked really good with the grappling to win by TKO via ground and pound in the first round. 

Uriah Hall is a Jamaican who lives in New York.  Andy Enz is from Alaska.  Lots of fighters from outside the continental United States.  Holy fuck these commercial breaks are long.  Uriah looked really explosive with great striking and landed some really nice kicks.  Enz gave up the back, but then Uria didn’t lock him in and he was able to turn over and get on top, but Enz still managed to get manhandled and Uriah locked in a triangle that looked really tight, but Enz got out of it.  Best round so far.  Round 2, Uriah looked like he got tired and got taken down and ended up in a choke, but was able to get his head out and was on top.  Hall looked really good and is going to be a really high pick. 

Gilbert Smith sort of has a cool haircut, but he also wears glasses, which don’t make anyone look tough and is really emotional.  He’s fighting Eric Wahlin, who says he’s straight out of money and can barely make his child support payments and is about to lose his house.  Gilbert Smith has enormous pecs.  Eric Wahlin says that he’s not sure he has what it takes to go toe to toe with these guys, but points out that he has nothing to lose.  Eric’s friend says that he hasn’t been fighting for very long.  Gilbert slammed mike really hard.  Gilbert sinks an arm triangle and that’s all she wrote.  That fight was over after the fighters took their shirts off. 

Nicholas Kohring is a neckbearded ginger person who has been training since he has been 15 and a half.  Luke Barnatt is a 6’6” advertising executive from England.  Luke won the fight by decision.  Jon Jones says he’s top three, but he might have just fought a leprechaun bum.

Dylan Andrews is from New Zealand and grew up in a marijuana grow house.  Tim Williams, the “South Jersey Strangler” has some gruesome facial scars.  Tim got caught bad with a right, but grabbed a leg and held on for dear life and stayed alive.  Tim ended up losing the fight by decision.  Not really clear why, but they seemed impressed by both fighters. 

Collin “the dick” Hart is a bouncer and likes beating up drunk people.  Mike Jasper played semi-pro football and has a nice beard.  Collin dominated with dirty boxing and won quickly with a rear naked choke. 

Dana says that two guys come back via wildcard.  $5,000 for finishes.  $25,000 for best knockout, submission and fight of the season.

Sonnen wins the toss and picks the first fighter, ceding the pick of the first fight to Jones. 

Team Sonnen

Luke Barnatt
Uriah Hall
Zak Cummings
Tor Troeng
Jimmy Quinlan
Kevin Casey
Kelvin Gastelum

Team Jones

Clint Hester
Josh Samman
Bubba McDaniel
Gilbert Smith
Collin Hart
Adam Cella
Dylan Andrews

Jones picks the first fight, which is Luke Barnatt against Gilbert Smith

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